Dear Nicole,

The day you left, I swore I’d never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss you. I don’t care about looking bad anymore. I don’t care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it’s time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says…
“There’s no one like you, Nicole.” You were my first love; savvy, fun, and crazy. Did I mention gorgeous? For months I didn’t think anyone could compete, but you made it clear I wasn’t for you and I was happy to hold on to you as a friend. But everyone needs to be loved back at some point. You didn’t understand how going back to being friends had made me feel. I really loved you and when you really love someone, you can’t “just be friend” because it’s like only having half of you.

I never felt this way about any person before. You made me feel like anything were possible and that life is worth it. We used to want to see each other every waking moment; we were crazy for each other. Not only did I fall for you, but I fell for your family as well, yes including Nanny. They made me feel at home more than anywhere in the world. You were wonderful to me. You might be annoying at times but you just make my days so much better. I felt so comfortable around you, like I could be myself and have nothing to hide. I had a really good feeling about you and thought to myself “She’s going to be in the picture for a while.” You have always been there for me and you have gotten me through the toughest of days. You were the missing pieces to my puzzle. I lesbianed you.

If I had to, I would say the pivoting point of our relationship was when you began to drive. There was nothing you would rather do, even me, than drive. All of the sudden, hundreds of “friends” came out of nowhere and started wanting to hang out with you. You had forgotten about me, one of the people that wanted to be with you regardless of anything. I wish you could see the amount of people that are using you, they’re not worth it, but you don’t care. From then on, I blame myself for not wanting you to go to that party. My paranoia leads my mind to choose harsh actions. I was just so agitated and didn’t say a word to you, but when you said the wrong word, I just flipped and walked away. It’s a habit of mine to walk away from my problems, and I have to fix that. All our consecutive fights had stemmed from that event. I was worried. Then you began to find my habits annoying. For the past few months, I had put up with every annoying habit you had, ranging from acting like you were five to sleeping all day. When you truly care for someone, their mistakes never change our feelings because it’s the mind that gets angry but the heart still cares.

I noticed that week that our relationship slowly began to dissipate. It was sad how slowly we were letting go of each other. We didn’t make time for each other anymore. We just didn’t care. I trust your friends at that party, I just would have rather you picked our relationship over that party because you agreed that regardless of anything in the world, you would have still went to that party. I thought so many things that week: I felt like my heart was about to pop, I thought that you were just leading me on, you just weren’t the same girl I fell for, and we couldn’t even talk on the phone for more than two minutes. But the one thing I hated the most was being stood up. We would make plans, and you would bail on me last minute to do something with someone else. Girl’s Night I had no problems with, I just wished you would tell me in advance so I didn’t waste time waiting for you. I’m athazagoraphobic. I don’t think you know how it feels to be stood up; it is the worst feeling next to a break up.

Our break up was so sudden and in the moment. I was taught to never make decisions when I was angry or promises when I was happy. That moment I felt angry and just said it, the worst decision of my life by far. I tried to ask for you back, but you seemed calm minded about it and just agreed with that decision without even looking back a second time. You told me that you would never leave me; you left me with a broken heart. It was just so easy for you to just walk away and not look back.

Then we became “best friends with benefits and exclusive”. Honestly, what the fuck did that mean? The difference between that and a relationship are feelings. People come from friends with benefits to a relationship at the point where they both have feelings for each other. Otherwise, the one that cares the most is the one that gets hurt. But you said, we both care the same. We had feelings for each other, but you didn’t want the relationship. Maybe I loved someone that didn’t love me back. That wasn’t a solution for our relationship. You might have been happy, but I was miserable from not having you as mine. The “We’ll make it work.” Sounded like complete bullshit to me, the only feeling I got was that you were stringing me along to lose feelings for me in your own way, and that was selfish of you. If we loved each other, we would have really made it work, together, not as two individuals. What is the point of being “together” without a title? It just made us look single to other people, is that what you wanted?

The worst part was where we didn’t get back together as boyfriend and girlfriend. I slowly lost my feelings for you. Maybe this is not what you imagined; it’s not what I did either. I pictured us sparking our relationship again and being happy. But you never gave me that chance - You began to start your separate path and so did I. I began losing my feelings for you because of the separation between us. You weren’t mine, I wasn’t yours. I knew more than you thought I knew. I read you like a book and also you can thank your “friends” for telling me the truth. The first time you lied to me after a promise threw me into a paradox. You were just bored of me, everything about me. We weren’t always like this; you used to be my unicorn. If you told me we we’re just going to use each other, it would have been a different story.

I’ll always remember when our paths aligned for this period of time, and I’ll be thankful for that. I hope that you’ll be thankful too, and I think that’s the best we could wish for. Every time you smile, you’ll be thinking of me. You were the one person that I didn’t want to become a stranger in my life, and now it seems like as the days go by, the more we are becoming strangers to one another. I can’t force you to love or want me. All I can do is either hope you will one day, or make you see what you lost.

                                                                            -Robert

P.S. Who the fuck is Dave?